And now the times are changin'...

Look at everything that's come and gone.

The clock is ticking on my time in Fredericton. There's really only a little more than 36 hours left. Not long at all. It seems I've packed more memories in this time then normal; it's like I'm making a point to take mental pictures and remember experiences. Almost every experience or memory has a song behind it. More often then not the lyrics of the songs can tell the story better than I can or they connect to that moment. Years later I'll hear the song and be back in that place or with that person.

Summer of '69 will always remind me of my father. Always. I remember when we owned the record before the CD. My mum gets On the Wings of a Dove, He Thinks He'll Keep Her and so much more. One of my aunts is the Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack. My sisters are dance music, Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Nicks and musicals. Another of my aunts is Jewel, late '90s. One of my friends is Rehab by Amy Winehouse. I'll see her dancing around the flat singing into the hairbrush until the day I die. Another good friend of mine is Lady Gaga, her music will always remind me of this person.

There are moments connected to music too, especially this summer. M.I.A. reminds me of road trips into Memphis. Oh Susanna will always take me back to King's Landing. Bon Jovi "Livin' on a Prayer" will now be forever linked in my mind with my mum and I's backwoods road trip this afternoon. Disturbia will always be connected to this little sweetheart I babysat for this summer and dancing around her kitchen. There are so many more.

There are so many songs that are connected with this experience but there is one line of one particular song that sticks out. There is something very comforting about it, especially because there will be a lot of missing people in the first little while, on both sides. So here it is, one simple line that will always be connected to my last days of Canada:

"Even if you can not hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear".

Haves and Have Nots...

I have my passport back. I have a visa! I have a ticket. I have plans. Why am I not bouncing off the roof? I'm happy and looking forward to it, but why am I not more excited? In fact why is it the closer it gets here the more tempted I am to say, "no thanks I'll just stay here".

Don't worry, I won't. I don't really want to. But right now that's how I feel sometimes.

Are we there yet?

Almost!

I have a visa!!! My paperwork has been approved. It's not in my hand yet, it's still in Washington, but soon it will be here. And soon I will be there. Which I have to admit, as excited as I am, makes me sad too. The closer it gets, the more real it is and the more aware I am of what is happening. It's not just a far off date anymore, it's a real event. And it's coming soon.

Two sides to every coin...

It: the feeling you get when you realize that you will truly miss someone/something, that you are really leaving and that life here will move on without you.

"It" is not a good feeling.

I had my first "it" moment today actually. I went out to a friend's cottage and was saying goodbye to his grand parents, whom I love dearly, when it hit me. Completely out of the blue was this overwhelming feeling of sadness. We were talking about old times and my grandfather, whom I still miss, and I suddenly wanted to cry. It occurred to me that I'm really leaving and that sometimes people might not be here when I get back. I had a very somber car ride home.

All along this has been exciting and fun and one grand adventure, except when it's been stressful, but it has never been sad. It started to get sad. I'm leaving and life is going to change and continue for everyone else. There is no pause button for this. I'm going to miss a lot. I know that I'm gaining so much, but right now, it feels a lot like loss.

Right now...

There is nothing new to post about. Nothing. I have no visa. No news of when the visa will arrive. I'm just in limbo, waiting. I hate this part. So while I wait I'm filling my time. I am having fun I admit, but a very large part of me just wants to know, now. Either way. So that I can just move from this spot and get on with my life. I'm not good at the in between-ness of everything right now.

In this moment...

It's the first day of my orientation in Suriname. Yet I'm writing this from my bedroom in Canada. So clearly I'm not there yet. I'm just chilling here instead. There are lots of things I'm getting to do though. And I'm focusing on that, the here, instead of the there. I can't get to Suriname by wishing myself there, so I might as well enjoy where I am.

I had a really good weekend, hung out with the King's Landing crew and barn danced it up. KL is a historical village and for their staff party they barn dance, any style goes from Irish songs, to the Virginia reel to Sweet Home Alabama.

Tonight is my great-grandmother's 96th Birthday, so I'll get to see lots of my family to say goodbye and take tonnes of pictures with my new camera.

My blog is basically becoming the story of my journey in getting to South America and what I'm doing before I leave. I promise I'll get there though. In the meantime I'm enjoying the here and now. Which is pretty amazing.

It almost feels like reverse, but not quite...

I don't have a ticket anymore. I've canceled it because I don't have a visa. This is the part that feels like I'm moving backwards a bit. However, the minute I get a visa, I'll get a ticket. This seems like it would be incredibly stressful but it's not. It is a minute's notice but I will be ready.

I'm hanging out, getting it together and working everything out before I leave. I've helped prime the kitchen, I'm slowly packing stuff up and I'm spending tonnes of time with everyone before I leave. I've had Christmas with my family (so much fun!), a bonfire with some of my absolutely favourite people and even a going away trip to the zoo! I've played tourist in my own city, saw some great bands and am getting ready emotionally to go.

I really believe that there is a reason for everything, so even though I don't exactly know why I'm still here, I know that I need to be.